Liar Liar

A liar is a discomfort; even to the liar himself. But I don't feel that entirely. I ofcourse don’t like to lie to anybody, probably due to my lack of urge or gratification, but oh boy, I do lie to myself a lot.

The problem is pretty simple. I have some expectations and they are incompatible with my life-style and my abilities. Also, my senses are accustomed to materialistic pleasures, thanks to my 'fading' wife and my mind is glued to some long followed customs, thanks to my middle class background. In a short, I am being termed by my closed ones as having a lazy ass and big mouth. But when it comes to solution, I pretend to be a God of answers and loose the last straw before drowning into self made filthy pit.

This is not a monologue or a clinical assessment of my weaknesses, but about a weird truth that, despite my reservation of lying to myself, I enjoy that too.

I was confused and guilt driven, when I first realized my above socially unacceptable behavior. I was standing under a big tree in campus during my college period. Just a few minutes back, a girl proposed me and I mocked her. She was angry, she was hurt and she cried. And when she left hurriedly, I stood there like a ghost, poured with guilt. But I couldn't run to her and tell her sorry, because I already convinced me that I was too great for this. I was a great man. It was a brazen lie, but I was happy.

Ten years in down line, my source of happiness hasn't changed. Even when I'm hell tired, I offer my seat to an older or even to a relatively younger woman in metro and I lie to myself that this is the right thing to do. Despite having a fabulous and diverse job profile, I constantly lie about its worth and I make sure that I loathe it every day. And about my life, from every angle which is running great, I weirdly complain each moment to myself and demand a whacko explanation before being happy.

I know it's wrong. May be I long to be a different. But while twisting the contour of an uncomfortable fact at par with my own acceptance level, and while I am not in charge of my own life and my happiness synchronizes with others' decisions, these lies actually bring me true joy.

What about you?