A Father To Be

Oh! Good lord! ‘Am I crying’? 

I stopped abruptly and touched the corner of my right eye with the tip of my right forefinger. Indeed there was a drop of water. But that might be a tear drop in real or just a drop of salty sweat! There was no way to be sure. My jogging suit was wet by now, because I had jogged two kilometers in this humid morning in west Delhi. Sweating beads started forming on my forehead. One drop might come down passing my thick right eyebrow! But, there was another probability. It could be a drop of real tear, because I was overwhelmed for the past few days by the unfolding emotions, opening slowly like layers of onions, pinching my eyes in this morning!

I stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then I panicked. Visibly, my lungs were gasping for air, though air was abundant and my heart began beating faster and faster. I knew, my brain would produce adrenaline pretty soon and it would boost my tensed and panicked nerve cells throughout system. Soon I would be fine. But what about my impending problem? Would it be fine too?

Well, a little history would be helpful. A couple of years ago I was married after relishing a revolutionary idea from childhood of not getting married ever. That was a tragedy with comic touch, for my friends started ridiculing and mocking my credibility afterwards on regular basis. My parents and family were thunderstruck and never believed my other revolutionary ideas like changing society or maintaining austerity. Moreover it took several months (or still I?) just to convince myself that I was married. And when I was going to settle down with the idea, the next logical kick hit me! Now it’s biological and totally illogical. Seriously! Me and a father?

For the last few months, my short trips to Delhi were full of works and loads of fun. Though I knew my wife was pregnant, but I was hardly in any situation to fully contemplate it and also before responsibilities struck me, I used to return to my safe workplace in Tamil Nadu. It was like reading a newspaper just out of habit. Nothing entered in brain. And as precious newspaper in morning became waste in evening, I used to forget everything about her pregnancy during most of the day, barring the late night, when she used to complain about her uneasy conditions. Those days were real good. And now my post-transferred days were tough.

Adrenaline started working. My heart began soothing. I again resumed jogging, now slowly. But my mind was restless. She shouldn’t be blamed; rather she tried her best not to put any added responsibilities on me. She singlehandedly arranged everything, from consulting doctor to visiting hospital, she bought everything online for her yet-to-be baby. Her storeroom was full of baby stuffs. And top-most she assured me that I would have no responsibilities in future too. But even then I was worried, anxious and panicked. Why? I didn’t know.

But all I knew, my image of a ‘responsibility-freak’ was far from truth, whatever she and others thought of me. I was closely attached to an NGO, I valued my job, I cared my family and friends and moreover I loved her. I knew that. I was no irresponsible, but yes, I didn’t like forced one. But again nobody was forcing me.

Other joggers were now crossing me ahead, even older ones. I stopped near a tea stall. I needed another booster. Holding a paper cup of hot tea, suddenly it struck me. An answer! Though bleak, but still encouraging. All these days I was far away from the truth and never experienced the ground scenario of a baby making process. And then in my post-transferred days, all of a sudden I witnessed ever growing bulge throughout her belly, her tremendous mood swings with huge uneasiness leading to insomnia and painful strains in joints for extra fluids in swelled body and most of all a terrifying realization that there was a moving living thing inside. It was too much to take for me. They say, feeling a baby inside is one of the most beautiful experiences ever; but frankly I found it little scary and odd. So, being panicked was nothing wrong. My tea was finished. After payment, I threw the cup in a dirt protruding dustbin. I was feeling relieved. Man! Finally got the answer.  

Her apartment was on fifth floor. I entered the elevator, pressed the 5 button and switched on fan. I turned around just to face myself in an attached mirror. I looked for a while. I didn’t know what I was looking for! But slowly my heart beats started rising again, pulses fastened, eyes narrowed down, hands were trembling and inside I was sweating. Tomorrow by this time she would deliver her baby. Scary part was, it would be mine too. Scarier was, she/he would call me father! And here was the scariest, I would have to become a role model for her/him throughout my life!

Shit man shit! I needed another stroll.